While the stigma surrounding mental health treatment has lessened some in recent years, there are still some misconceptions about therapy, particularly surrounding couple’s therapy. Couples therapy can help two people who come from different backgrounds, with different life experiences and ways of looking at the world identify the barriers they are experiencing to healthy communication, identify and communicate their needs to one another, and set and achieve overall goals in their relationship (i.e., goals for connection, for healing in the relationship, for the future, etc). However, the misconceptions that are out there about therapy, and in particular couple’s therapy, can lead to couples avoiding seeking out help that may truly make a positive impact on their relationship and their lives in general. Here are some of the common misconceptions that I hear about couples therapy specifically and why I think we can debunk them once and for all.
Myth #1: Couple’s therapy is only for couples that are really struggling or are weighing divorce or separation OR couple’s therapy indicates failure in the relationship.
While therapy can be invaluable during the tough times, couples enter into therapy together for a variety of reasons, and it does not just have to be a last ditch effort when things are going off the rails. Therapy is simply a safe and secure environment for YOU to come together as a couple and work on your relationship, to tend to the things that need tending. The healthiest relationships are not just attended to during the storms, but during all seasons. Yes, therapy can definitely be a tool to help a couple heal betrayals, identify problems in communication styles, or to navigate common grief. But it can also be future and positive-oriented – something that helps a couple identify and learn to maintain what’s working, a motivating force to help them think about the positive things they want to bring into their lives now and in the future.
Myth #2: If couples aren’t close to divorce, they will be by the end of therapy.
Good therapy is all about identifying alternative perspectives to our entrenched mindsets and moving toward growth, whether that be individual growth or growth in a relationship. A therapist, upon meeting initially with a couple, should have no preconceived notions or underlying motivations in directing a couple in any one direction; furthermore, a therapist’s job is not to direct or provide advice. That being said, a couple’s therapist will usually go over and process with a couple some of the potential outcomes of couple’s therapy and it is a reality that sometimes couple’s enter into therapy and one or both partners realize within the course of that therapy that they desire to end the relationship. However, seeking help when it is needed is often what can also save a marriage or a relationship from ending.
Myth #3: Therapists take sides in couple’s therapy sessions
Therapists go through extensive schooling and training to learn about how to ethically handle the sensitivities and nuances of therapy and this is no less true for couple’s therapy. We are trained to apply interventions within our own work that help prevent us from having what we call bias toward any client, and should we begin to feel more aligned with one partner over another in our work as a couple’s therapist, it is our duty to remedy that as soon and as thoroughly as possible. Therapists are human and this can happen, but with many tools at our disposal, skilled therapists can avoid siding with one partner or another. If we find we cannot move past bias in our work, we feel triggered by a client, or we otherwise feel that the material of the work is outside the scope of our expertise, it is then our responsibility as ethical professionals to refer clients out. Clients obtaining quality care is of the utmost importance.
NOTE: If you are in couple’s therapy and are feeling that something is off with your therapist’s treatment of you and your partner, up to and including bias or the therapist taking sides in sessions, it is in your best interests as the client to bring this up in session or to request a change of therapist.
Myth #4: Couple’s therapy is only for married couples.
Couple’s therapy is often thought solely of marriage therapy. My licensing title in CA is Marriage and Family Therapist, which can lead people to draw some inaccurate conclusions on who I see in sessions. We can actually see couples at any stage of relationship, including pre and post marriage and those that do not actually seek to get married. In fact, pre-marriage counseling can be incredibly valuable in a couple’s efforts toward identifying individual and common values that they want to exemplify in their future marriage, as well as potential future roadblocks to effective communication. Therapy can also be a place for individuals post-marriage – couples that have separated but want to maintain an amicable co-parenting relationship.
Myth #5: Therapy is going to take a long time in order to see any results.
Therapy is definitely one of those things in which you get out of what you put into it. There are several different theoretical approaches that a therapist can take in working with a couple, and some are actually meant to be very direct and time-limited. One of the main approaches that I take in my work with clients is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – a structured method that is big on setting achievable goals. Once goals are reached, barring no further need for goal-setting and achieving, therapy can absolutely come to an end. Additionally, therapy is something that some clients choose to end and come back to if and when another issue or goal arises. If what you feel you need or want to work on in therapy is important enough to you, and you have the means (financial AND time) to engage in therapy to address those things, you can absolutely gauge how it is going as you go along by seeing what sort of incremental changes you start to observe. The progress and duration of therapy is something that therapists should be checking in with their clients about frequently to gauge the success of their work together and the client’s satisfaction with their progress.
Myth #6: It will be impossible for either partner to change.
We are all capable of change; I would be out of a job if this were not true. Oftentimes, when couples are getting into therapy, the things that need to change can feel big and insurmountable, but just like in individual therapy, goal-setting and achieving is most successful when we break down the seemingly insurmountable into smaller, digestible pieces. We don’t need to fix everything; we don’t need to completely overhaul an entire relationship and remedy all that has occurred in it. What is most important is a common commitment between both partners toward openness and a willingness to employ additional perspectives to the ones they’ve had. An openness to seeing the potential for change in both themselves and their partner is also needed. We take one step at a time toward getting on the same page about common values and what is most important to each partner and to the relationship.
Whether you and your partner have identifiable goals that you feel therapy might help you achieve, or you just sense that an working with an objective party could be helpful in whatever season you’re in, regardless of knowing exactly how, please feel free to reach out. Therapy does NOT only have to come into play at a time of crisis. It can be a powerful tool at any stage of a relationship, regardless of the “presenting problem” or goal at hand. Feel free to reach out today to get started, I would sincerely love to work with you.
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