Undergoing In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) – or really fertility treatment of any kind – can be an emotionally taxing endeavor for couples, testing the strength of even the strongest of relationships. The stress of medical procedures, the uncertainty of outcomes, and managing ongoing communication and coordination of appointments with your doctor’s office amid all of life’s other demands can create a good deal of stress. It’s natural, under these circumstances, for tension and misunderstandings to arise between partners.
Couples counseling for infertility can be a valuable, providing support to navigate these challenges while keeping your relationship strong. But when should you consider seeking therapy? Here, we’ll explore key moments in a relationship when couples might benefit from therapy along the way.
1. Communication Breakdown
We all know how important communication is to any relationship. External stressors can strain our ability to effectively communicate with our partners, and the stress and ups and downs that partners can experience throughout fertility treatment can leave them struggling to effectively express their thoughts and feelings. Where do we put this overwhelm, this anxiety, this helplessness, this loneliness?
If you and your partner find that communication is breaking down, arguments are becoming more frequent, or you’re struggling to understand one another or connect emotionally, it’s a good sign that it’s time for couples counseling. The right therapist can provide the environment to intentionally express yourselves, to improve on communication tools such as active listening, and to explore the ins and outs of your fertility treatment and beyond. The dynamics and intricacies of your relationship were present before IVF was – what are you bringing into this experience that either helps or hinders the communication between you both?
2. When the Stress of Treatment Leads to Emotional Distance
The emotional and physical strain of IVF, along with the financial costs of treatment and the disruptions to schedules the doctors appointments cause, can often lead to emotional and physical distance between partners. One partner may feel consumed by the treatment process and the toll that it takes, while the other may feel helpless, in a chronic support role, or neglected. IVF can put a strain on intimacy, further hindering our ability to connect. We can pick up where we are and find ways back to connection. Tools learned in therapy can help a couple stay present for one another, strengthen intimacy, and support one another’s unique needs during this time.
3. When You’re Struggling with the Ups and Downs of the Journey
IVF is a journey FULL of emotional highs and lows. The excitement of starting the process, the anxiety of waiting for treatment procedures or test results, the hope built up during each cycle, and potential cycle failures can leave both partners feeling overwhelmed and at times depleted. If you and your partner are struggling to manage these emotional ups and downs, couples counseling can provide a safe space to process these emotions together. I help couples navigate grief, disappointment and fear, while teaching you how to emotionally support one another through the ups and downs. Understanding each other’s emotional needs can strengthen your relationship and make you both feel more supported during the IVF process.
4. When Treatment-Related Stress Triggers Conflict or Blame
Again – you came to the process of IVF with a whole relationship, with all of its dynamics, typical ways of handling conflict, boundaries, and shared joys and interests fully intact and developed. IVF is a potentially new prospect and trigger in the relationship, but the relationship and your ways of relating with your partner are not new. In therapy, we can explore the triggers that IVF brings up, and also explore how these triggers are likely deep-seated and present with or without IVF. IVF, or any conflict that arises in a relationship, is not the real issue; it is our ability or inability to relate with and connect with one another amid the conflict.
Couples counseling can help you identify underlying emotions that may be fueling conflict. I help both partners work through guilt, shame or resentment, teaching strategies to stop blaming each other and instead approach the situation as a team. Therapy also provides a neutral space where both partners can express their feelings without fear or judgment, allowing for healing and a much deeper understanding of one another.
5. When One Partner is Feeling Left-out of the IVF Process
One partner naturally takes on the bulk of the physical burden of IVF. Sometimes, this can lead to the other partner feeling disconnected or left out of the IVF process. Sometimes, the supporting partner may feel burn-out from the support role. More accurately put – the supporting partner may struggle to understand how their own needs fit into a season of life where their partner is going through ongoing medical treatment. If you or your partner is feeling disconnected or sidelined during IVF, couples counseling can provide guidance on how to be more involved and emotionally present in the relationship. I help couples explore ways to include both partners in the IVF journey, whether it’s through shared decision-making, understanding each other’s emotional needs, or simply finding ways to support one another in meaningful ways.
6. When IVF is Putting a Strain on Intimacy
Sexual intimacy can become difficult throughout the IVF process, for a variety of reasons, depending on where you are at in your treatment, as the medical treatments take over your routine. The stress, physical discomfort, and emotional exhaustion that often accompany IVF can make it hard to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. This can result in both partners feeling disconnected and frustrated. Therapy can help partners begin to address both the emotional and physical aspects of their relationship. I can work with you to identify barriers to intimacy as well as ways to foster grace and compassion for one another during this temporary season of life.
7. When Facing IVF Failure or Setbacks
IVF doesn’t always result in success, and facing setbacks like failed cycles or miscarriages can take a heavy toll on couples. The emotional fallout from IVF failure can cause both partners to grieve in different ways, leading to feelings of hopelessness, anger or withdrawal. These feelings can strain the relationship and make it hard to move forward. Furthermore, couples going through infertility and pregnancy loss often report feeling alone. Loss in general, and in particular, loss related to pregnancy, is often a burden carried alone, as it is a challenging and complicated loss and even the most well-intentioned loved ones do not always know how to help one process this loss.
Couples counseling provides a supportive space to grieve and process loss together. I can guide you through these painful emotions, allowing for an environment that fully sees the range of them, and helping you to cope with disappointment while also helping a couple work toward learning how to support one another in the aftermath of loss. Therapy can also help you explore your options for moving forward, whether that is trying another cycle, exploring other fertility or family building options, or taking a break from treatment.
The IVF journey is undeniably challenging, but it does not have to be faced alone. Couples counseling can be a powerful tool for helping you and your partner navigate the emotional, physical and psychological strain of infertility treatments. Therapy offers a space to improve communication, strengthen your emotional connection, and address conflicts as a team – all skills valuable both now and whenever your IVF journey ends.
If you are facing any of the challenges discussed in this post, consider reaching out. I have both personal and professional experience in navigating the ups and downs of fertility treatment, and it is my absolute passion to help couples on their journey through it. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and with the right support, you and your partner can emerge from the IVF journey stronger and more united. Reach out today and let's get started on exploring how you can maintain the health of your relationship through the process.
A note of hope: the odds are in your favor. Many fertility clinics boast success rates above 50% - many people who go down the road of fertility are met at the end of it with a healthy baby. And even then, therapy can be helpful. Even positive and joyous life changes come with some growing pains and anxiety. Therapy can absolutely be of benefit to you after success, as you prepare your relationship and your life overall to welcome your baby home.
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