The process of IVF alone is an emotional undertaking. Without any guarantees offered or extended, individuals and couples undergoing this treatment invest an incredible about of emotional and physical energy as well as their finances. To go through it at all is quite the undertaking. To go through this level of commitment and treatment and then experience loss related to it is quite another thing – something that no one can prepare you for – and it can feel devastating. IVF loss is often accompanied by feelings of grief, disappointment, guilt and deep sadness. For those who have invested months or even years of time, energy and hope into their fertility journey, the loss can be difficult to process.
Healing after IVF loss is a unique and personal journey. It’s by no means a linear process, and it may take some time to find your footing. Then there is the question of “now what?” – whether it’s your first loss, or several losses in, IVF has a unique way of asking you, in the midst of that loss – what is the next step? Let’s explore how to process the emotions and practicalities that come up after an IVF loss as well as some strategies to help you navigate this challenging time.
Acknowledging the Grief:
The first step in healing after IVF loss is allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge your grief. Society often emphasizes “getting back on track” or moving on after a loss, but healing takes time and is often not linear. Whether you’re mourning the loss of a potential pregnancy, the end of a treatment cycle, or the uncertainty of your fertility journey and things you feel you’ve had to give up or let go of to be on that journey, your feelings of loss and grief are valid.
Grief can manifest in many ways – sadness, anger, guilt, sometimes even numbness. There’s no right way to grieve, so try to refrain from judging yourself as you allow your emotions to surface be acknowledged. Ignoring or suppressing grief can prolong emotional pain related to loss. Writing about your experiences – journaling – can be a very helpful way of working through your emotions that come up along the way.
Seeking – and Accepting – Support from Others
Infertility and experiencing a related loss can feel isolating but you do not have to go through this experience alone. In fact, I don’t recommend it. Leaning on your partner, close family members or friends and talking about your loss with someone you trust can be a critical step in your healing.
We sometimes feel the need or desire to speak with someone that has either gone through the thing we’re struggling with, or who has some working knowledge of what this experience can be like. If you are struggling to seek and accept support from loved ones due to feeling a lack of understanding on the topic (to no fault of theirs), there are support groups (either online or in-person) and counseling options that are available to you that are infertility- and/or loss-informed. As a therapist that specializes in working with individuals and couples that are going through infertility and/or pregnancy loss, I provide a compassionate and empathetic environment and can connect with you to understand the emotional complexity of IVF or pregnancy loss.
Couples therapy specifically can be helpful in coping with IVF-related loss. For couples, it is imperative to communicate openly about your feelings. Both partners are experiencing this loss – both together and as individuals – and may be experiencing it from pretty different vantage points, grieving the loss in different ways, and also potentially finding unique ways to show up for one another.
Mental and Emotional Self-Care
You are a whole person, moving through this loss through a few different dimensions – physically, emotionally, mentally. Your well-being will benefit from you taking care of yourself in a holistic manner – by nurturing your mind, body and soul.
During times of loss, stress levels (i.e., cortisol) can skyrocket, leading our overall health and immune systems to take a real hit. Taking time for self-care helps lower these stress levels and promote healing. Make sure that you are getting plenty of rest; sleep is essential for mental and physical health and aids in our emotional resilience and we take these first few steps in healing. Rest helps us avoid the emotional burnout that makes recovering and healing more difficult. Gentle exercise (yoga, walking, swimming) and mindfulness practices (guided meditations, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation) can help you stay grounding in the present moment, which helps us manage overwhelming emotions.
Sometimes, We Need a Breather; Sometimes, We Need to Keep it Moving
IVF can very quickly become the bullet train that is difficult to get off of. Many patients, even after a loss, can feel pressure, whether internal or external, to jump right back into treatment or to continue pushing forward. Check in with yourself, and take at least the time to really seek to understand if this is what feels right to you. The healing process does not happen overnight, and sometimes a break from fertility treatments can do wonders in terms of regaining your mental and emotional energy to continue to pursue your fertility goals. Taking time away from medical appointments, injections and procedures can help you reconnect with yourself and the different facets of your life, including your relationship without the constant pressure of the IVF process. A break does not mean giving up on your dreams of parenthood. It simply allows you some time and space to heal emotionally and physically before deciding what your next step will be.
**For some, a break may not be the answer and that’s okay too. I’ve heard this from several individuals going through this treatment. One said, “sometimes, actively moving forward is the way that I heal”. As long as you have done the soul-searching to determine what is YOUR next best course of action – or inaction – and it FEELS right to you, you should be on the right track. Regardless if you decide to take a break, or power on through, put energy into focusing on all aspects of your life. Try to refrain from the tunnel vision that going through treatment can create. You are not just a patient.
Finding Meaning and Hope
No matter where you are at in your IVF journey, loss can trigger a host of emotional reactions. Some that are not often initially considered are hope and gratitude. In my own life, grief and loss have often walked very closely to hope and gratitude and loss presents us with an opportunity to experience the whole range of our emotions, and to experience ourselves as whole as well. I see my clients create a lot of meaning and purpose in their lives as they navigate the ups and downs of fertility treatment. Even in the midst of uncertainty and loss, we can acknowledge and attend to the areas of our life that bring us contentment, peace and meaning. And we can, in considering how we want to move forward after loss, find hope in the things we feel gratitude for, and in those areas of our life in which we feel engaged.
Healing from IVF loss is not easy. The individuals who go through fertility treatment often go through a great deal to even obtain this treatment. To then suffer a loss in the midst of it can feel very overwhelming. However, healing from loss and regaining hope for the future is absolutely possible with patience, self-compassion and in finding the right support. Reach out today if you’d like to get started with a therapist who has the cultural competence to work with individuals going through IVF.
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