Relationships are a fundamental aspect of our lives, providing us with companionship, support and a sense of belonging. Healthy relationships allow for these benefits to be measured and weighed, however, against one’s own individual sense of self and autonomy. While closeness fosters intimacy and connection, codependency can erode individual autonomy and lead to an unhealthy dependency on the other. In this blog post, we will explore the nuances between these two relational states as well as how to ensure your relationship maintains the healthy status of separate togetherness.
Closeness in a relationship refers to the emotional and psychological intimacy shared between partners. It’s a genuine connection, a love and appreciation for your partner for exactly who they are, flaws and all, and it holds up the tenets of open communication and mutual respect and support. Healthy intimacy allows individuals to feel understood, valued and secure in their relationship while also upholding a balance of independence and interdependence, where each person maintains their sense of self while contributing to the shared bond. The supportive dynamics of a healthy relationship exude mutual support of each partner’s growth and wellbeing; a nourishing relationship celebrates one another’s achievements and encourages each other during challenges. Shared values and goals can reinforce a strong bond as when we align on fundamental shared beliefs, we can create a sense of unity and purpose within the relationship.
Understanding Codependency
Codependency is a complex and potentially harmful dynamic in relationships – while this relationship dynamic is often thought of mainly in romantic relationships it can show up in any and all types of relationships (friendships, family relationships, between parent and child, etc.). Often, if an individual exhibits this dynamic in one relationship, it can also show up in many of their other relationships. It usually stems from an excessive reliance on a partner for emotional wellbeing and leads to a lack of healthy boundaries and an inability to recognize where you end and your partner begins. In a codependent relationship, individuals experiencing the lack of independence may prioritize the needs of their partner over their own, leading to an imbalance of met needs and a potential further erosion of personal identity. What does codependency really look like?
Signs of Codependency:
Excessive emotional reliance: codependent individuals may excessively rely on their partner, friend or family member for emotional support and validation as well as, ultimately, a (potentially false) secure sense of self. This dependency on the other often leads to feelings of emptiness and anxiety when they are separated from the person on whom they’ve become dependent
Lack of boundaries: this dynamic always leads to a blurring of boundaries between individuals, a confusing sense of lacking an understanding of where one person ends and the other begins, often a merging of identities on some level
Low self-esteem: individuals in a state of relational codependency may struggle with low self-esteem and, as a result of the dynamics of the relationship, may develop a constant and insatiable need for external validation. A self-worth intertwined with another’s approval leads to a fragile sense of self.
People-pleasing and difficulty saying no: finding it challenging to identify and then assert one’s own needs or to say no to requests from others.
Difficulty making decisions or solidifying plans in your relationship(s): having difficulty asserting an outcome of a situation you’d like to happen for fear of upsetting the other; feeling like you always want to make a choice that would please the other.
Taking on another’s emotions or feeling responsible for another’s emotions: being highly sensitive to the emotions of others to the point that you may actually begin to feel what they are feeling; feeling constantly like you are the cause of your partner’s emotions (usually negative emotions – frustration, anger, sadness), leading you to put an incredible amount of pressure on yourself to keep your partner or loved one happy (again, people-pleasing)
While ultimately maladaptive and dysfunctional, enmeshed relationship patters as they are described above offer, for the codependent individual, a sense of instant gratification: the more one engages in the behaviors listed above, the more immediate their closeness is to their loved one – for a time. Eventually each partner’s sense of individuation shines through, other forces in each other’s life pull at their attention, we must attend to things outside of the relationship. It’s a perpetual and painful cycle of pursue, obtain, lose (because inevitably we are not meant to operate in and enmeshed/codependent state, the partner will eventually find distance in some sense). It is not a sustainable way of being in relation with others and it comes at the high cost of one’s own diminishing sense of self and security. So, how what are the things we know can help a relationship maintain a healthy balance of intimacy and independence?
Some Ways to Ensure a Healthy Relationship:
Entering into therapy – when one can see codependent relationship patterns for what they are and they are wanting to take some steps to change these patterns, therapy is a great place to explore this. People have often been operating in this way in their relationships for years and it can be helpful to pinpoint the origin of these tendencies to better understand oneself and the steps forward and toward improved relationship dynamics
Establishing effective communication skills - clear communication (active listening, expressing emotions honestly, and providing constructive feedback) minimizes misunderstandings and promotes emotional intimacy.
Balancing independence and togetherness – healthy relationships strike a balance between independence and connection; sharing experiences and emotions while respecting each other’s individual needs for personal space and individual pursuits. Maintaining individuality (not only contributes to personal growth but also enriches the relationship with diverse experiences.
Regular check-ins between partners – taking time for regular check-ins allows couples to assess the health of their relationship. How are you feeling about the balance between connection and separateness in the relationship? How is your partner feeling? How are you spending the time that you do share together – is there time built in in busy lives for real connection or do your phones, social media, TV and other distraction eat up a lot of precious time you have together?
If any of the above listed signs of codependency sound a little familiar, do not feel discouraged. The good news is that there are ways that we know how to grow beyond these codependent relationship dynamics into healthier and more fruitful relationships. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in exploring and understanding the root causes of one’s codependent tendencies, as well as identifying and implementing additional perspectives to the ones that can lead to the anxiety present in these dynamics and different behavioral strategies to challenge that anxiety and other factors that can be contributing to the codependency. Recognizing the signs of codependency and taking these proactive steps to address them can prevent the erosion of personal identify within a relationship. If you are interested in starting therapy with me, feel free to reach out today! And don't forget the other posts in my "This or That" series: "This or That: Stress or Anxiety? How to know when your worry becomes a problem" and "This or That: What is the difference between sadness and depression?"
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